this song is about you

having feelings is so degrading

2009-09-14T04:15:29Z

i don't really know where to say this or how, but i have to, or i'm afraid it will feed off my breath until i've completely stopped exhaling. and this is hard because i don't really know how to write anymore, about my feelings or my day or even a simple letter.

i miss you. the things you used to say. the way you used to fold me up in your smell and your limbs when i came back to bed after random midnight urges. your unexpected admissions of missing me too, that used to make me feel so wanted. the way you made me feel special and safe.

judging from how little room i gave myself to breathe, i knew how tentative our together state was. what i didn't know--what i still don't know--is what i did to make you stop feeling things for me. why you decided i wasn't someone to keep.

if i could bring myself to be open with you again (it's not in my nature, but not something i can force), i would tell you i would have been for you forever. and ask why i can't seem to make it work with anyone. i know that i'm caustic and sometimes mean. but there's a lot in me that's good for people, too.

Writer's Block: Less Than Idle Hands

2008-08-08T03:12:19Z

Do you have any odd nervous habits?

Submitted By theonlyink

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a memory of los angeles. sitting on the bus, i can't help but stare at her fingers, at her feet, and at everything above but below her neck. don't cry, i'm thinking, she's not yours to keep. i'm thinking and clicking my teeth in time to the syllables of her story.

a woman in red. click click clack clock cleek. she knits. click click. she is sad. she loves. she is human like all of us. click click clack clock-click click-click-click until i'm grinding and gritting my eyes against the tears forming in my head. the anxiety that creeps because i can't see her face, can't lift my eyes past the point of her chin until i've drowned her in gratings of teeth. the steadily louder crushing harder powdering of enamel.

stalker snacks

2008-04-30T07:11:03Z

16:22 made www.porn-bread.com/bukkake.htm because i am a 13 year old boy. #

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it was so hot today

2008-04-28T05:35:57Z

it was so hot today. walked fast to create a breeze against my face, and slow to conform sloshing liquids back to cups huddled in fear on my palm. "my face is red, isn't it?" dab-dabbed with a brown paper towel. "little bit. preeetty."

during a lull: two fingertips on my elbow, followed by pouty-warm puffs brushing wisps of my hair. guidance in the form of bare touch, slight graze, in gentlest exodus to the freezer. shut us in! let's stay forever in cold cohabitation. i like the shape of your breath.

the door muffled our names, but with jobs like ours, it's hard not to know when we're being called. could feel--almost see--the freeze peeling off our skin. stood close to each other to conserve the cold, which heated us that much faster.

stalker snacks

2008-04-26T07:06:21Z

02:55 i want my own domain. but i don't want to pay for it. i want the internet to just give it to me, like as a present for being nice. #

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kindertwin @ 2008-04-16T00:04:00

2008-04-16T07:04:31Z

i know the number of people who read this journal is dwindling, which only makes it easier to say nothing at all. i'm sorry i let you down?

for a long while, only annoying customers came in. regular, annoying customers who tip hardly at all. which is not precisely the source of my annoyance with them.

and then some good regulars, and some nice irregulars, and suddenly the night wasn't so bad. work isn't so bad. in fact, i enjoy it probably more than i should. it doesn't make me depressed, and for that i think it deserves a valor-based award.

one of my favorites told me today, "that's why i like you. you always give me shit." it reminded me of something another customer told me, which was that "you're deceptively dark-natured, but you wear it well." he's a writer. i told him, "you're deceptively svelte, but you eat like we could be friends." he laughed and laughed.

the kid still calls me. i can feel hurt boiling inside of him, readying itself to bubble over and out, turning to rancor with exposure to air. i want to make him feel better now without making him feel worse in the future. impossible, she says. murder, she wrote.

i know from experience that it's better to hurt now than to hold your breath, to wait, and to hope, and to imagine over and time and again how it would be, how it could be if they would just. if they could like me enough, have compassion enough to just. BE DIFFERENT. but having someone different is worse than having no one at all. take it from one who knows.

kindertwin @ 2008-04-10T16:28:00

2008-04-10T23:29:21Z

seeing the kid was supposed to be fun, but it's not. i can tell he gets annoyed when i go home, miss his calls, or don't feel like going out. his irritation grows like a bubble around him, pressing me away and against solid objects that crush the softest parts of me.

i felt indignant at first. after a childhood on my toes against sudden tempers and misdirected tantrums, why should i have to waste any more time on my guard? then i grew quietly, irrationally angry. and then we fought about something entirely different.

and so it goes, i guess.

i passed out last night before i hit "post"

2008-04-08T18:34:00Z

for three nights in a row, i've been too tired to "hang out" with the kid.

we follow a simple formula. he asks me whether i want to come by, i say, "what do you feel like doing?" his answer strays from the ideal "having sex and passing out," and i decline after a drawn-out jumble of excuses and apologies. i feel bad, but i've just worked four consecutive days of double shifts, haven't had a day off in over a week and won't have one until friday.

i'm so, so tired. my feet hurt. i've been massaging them off and on, but my arms are really tired, too. also, one of my customers creeped the shit out of me the other day, and he came back the following night. he asked, "how are you?" i told him i was good. "doesn't seem like it." because you are stalking me and it's scary. the next night, i purposely paid as little attention to him as i could get away with until he left in a huff.

it sounds funny and really unprofessional, but when i'm heading home alone at night with cash bulging out of my back pockets, i don't want some strange customer waiting for me outside the restaurant, asking me all kinds of personal questions and trying to get me to let him take me home. which is what he did the first night.

i thought he was nice at first, but when he started coming on to me, he poured it on so thick i could feel it dripping off me hours later. he kept asking me what i "was," and when i told him, he said, "i met a korean woman when i was surfing in the philippines. she taught me a lot." then he made me touch his hand, and from there it just got creepier. the entire way home, i felt like he was right behind me, waiting to knock me unconscious and drag me into a pit fill with unsuspecting waitresses.

i forget what i was going to write next.

drinking, smoking, pining, stabbing myself in the chest

2008-04-02T23:22:17Z

everything i do is bad for my heart. which means i need to eat more bacon.

kindertwin @ 2008-04-02T00:40:00

2008-04-02T07:40:45Z

sometimes i want to cut out all the compassionate parts of me and set them on fire.

stalker snacks

2008-04-01T06:12:48Z

13:33 Grandparents are with a vietnamese dentist. Looking for someone to translate vietnamese into english so i can translate to korean. #

13:47 The situation is getting complicated. Poor grandpa: deaf, failing sight and now with broken fake teeth. #

14:26 Phone battery dying. Borrowing phone from band of thuggish korean youths to continue translation tangle. Meanwhile, stuck in bfe. #

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made it home just in time to get ready for work and lj post. not in that order.

2008-03-31T23:20:12Z

last week was one of ghosts, of lives, of splashing through lanes with strokes flinging mud. i've been watching

i'm "seeing someone" i am colossally ill-suited for, which has thus far been pretty fun ("thus far" being a week plus a day). i've taken this opportunity to make a venn diagram of things we are "into." (apologies for my technical ineptitude, magnified by my inability to draw circles.)

i'm sure you can deduce for yourselves that a lot of what we talk about pertains to asian girls. i'm equally sure you can guess which side is him and which is me.

stalker snacks

2008-03-30T06:15:54Z

11:53 changing my mind. #

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something something something

2008-03-29T08:42:27Z

"it's hard to deal with all your personalities. you're happy, you're down, you're depressed, you're really happy again."
"those aren't personalities. those are called 'emotions.'"
"on you they're personalities."

my life as a woody allen movie.

i'm busy warding against depression. organization, cleaning supplies and endorphins to the rescue. alternating cardio with pilates to be strong like a tree with a heart wringing dry every circle that appears (under eyes mostly, with guest appearances around my wrists and on my thighs, damn bumpers).

your hands in mine shrink my fingers,
shrink my clothes, until i smell the
devastation of periodic life.

in math, i draw graphs over hearts
around your name. i am ruthless in
the scratching of lessons into books.

now, in my skin, i can feel what you've done.
drawn strings-- not hearts, but circles around me
so the further you walk, the deeper they dig, and
when you're very far, it is very hard to breathe.

stalker snacks

2008-03-29T06:14:58Z

08:15 By all means, if i'm not answering the door, please feel free to alternate pounding and ringing the doorbell FOREVER. #

21:09 lost my phone again. i guess that means i'm not going out tonight. #

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stalker snacks

2008-03-28T06:14:07Z

14:34 my computer just started chirping at me. i am still drnk from last night. oh my god what is happening. #

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stalker snacks

2008-03-27T06:13:51Z

15:18 dad assigned me to make some calls for him. currently on hold for the third time in a row, listening to muzak. WHY IS THIS MY LIFE. #

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY EDITH

2008-03-25T04:24:36Z

i never knew how
having a sister would feel
until i met you.

stalker snacks

2008-03-24T06:18:29Z

18:35 Work unbearably slow tonight. Arguing with chef; just told him his mind is small. Sick of him saying how lucky i am to be happy. Grumpy now. #

21:37 Chef made me special delicious treat. I feel horrible. #

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stalker snacks

2008-03-23T06:13:00Z

02:22 people never believe me when i say that "scary" movies really scare me. childhood was bad enough! stop trying to traumatize me further. #

10:43 Can't find my work shirt & already late. Obviously had to waste more time by texting about it. #

14:53 Eating as much as i can in between WORKING ALL DAY. I hate weekends. #

15:54 Craigslist deleted my posting! How am i supposed to find true love if fuckers keep flagging me? #

21:31 There is no time to groom. I will have to rely on personality, which gives me a growing sense of doom. #

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my tenses are all over the place

2008-03-22T09:17:34Z

nirvana's "scentless apprentice" was playing in the car, and something about it drummed right into my groin. i could feel my underwear clinging with moisture, my face starting to flush from self-consciousness. tried to quell the shame, managed to half-convince myself no one would notice when he turned to me and said, "i can smell you."

why am i like this?!

and why is no one responding to my craigslist ad? are people responding to hers? this life is so unfair.

nevermind. people are responding. which makes me feel like the whole world is crazy.

everyone always reads aim conversation posts

2008-03-20T14:02:09Z

patrick: there is a session of "drunk dungeons and dragons" that afternoon
patrick: it'll be our dungeon master's first time drinkin'

patrick: i think i've given up on trying to watch good movies
patrick: i just wanna watch kung fu movies and anime

patrick: i think i'll start job-getting next quarter
me: sweet!
patrick: how hard can it be?
me: it sucks, man
patrick: hahaha
me: but you got some technical skillz so you should have a way easier time than shawn or i had
patrick: we all have our own skillz
patrick: shawn knows her food and you're shrewd and creative
me: SHREWD
me: wtf kind of compliment school did you go to?
patrick: that's workspeak for something else
patrick: like the phrase "not on my watch, you cunt" or something
patrick: that's you saying/thinking that
patrick: i think you'd make an effective boss
patrick: or some kind of auditor
me: thank you, patrick
me: way to crush my vision of myself as a good person
patrick: heyyyyyy now
patrick: so bosses are inherently mean-spirited?
me: AUDITORS ARE. they'll kill you!
patrick: so what if they get off by shutting other people down
patrick: they still have wives and children
me: have i shut you down, patrick?
patrick: YES
me: oh my god
me: when?!
me: when you tried to compliment me like thirty seconds ago?
me: oops.
patrick: right now!
patrick: no i don't know
patrick: but i think you'd make a good boss
me: i do like having dictatorial authority over people
patrick: there ya go
me: i made my student workers at the library sing the little mermaid for me
me: my little puppets of misery
patrick: hahaha
me: so how's school, anywho?
me: cruisin along with two classes?
patrick: it's finals week
me: oh shit
me: explains why you're on aim
patrick: whatever
patrick: the hardest was today
patrick: and friday is "critical thinking"
patrick: the frosh-level class that i missed
me: in terms of.. what? literature?
me: or just consciousness?
patrick: i was supposed to take it in first year
patrick: so consciousness too
patrick: oh what kind of crit thinking?
me: nah, i don't really care
me: i'm just feigning interest because it hurts so much to be sober

stalker snacks

2008-03-20T06:16:37Z

11:30 um, i lost my voice. i guess i will be presenting the specials via sign language. #

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kindertwin @ 2008-03-19T15:10:00

2008-03-19T22:12:48Z

the guy from last night called me today. we had a rather idiotic conversation about foods we liked to eat. when i found my list getting a little lengthy, i smoothly segued into an anecdote centered around disliking food in bed. "it's because of the crumbs," was the last thing i said before my brain caught up with my mouth and clamped it shut.

there was an awkward pause after my abrupt stop, which he broke with gusto by bouncing back with, "i hate crumbs in bed, too!" what a conversation save. we talked like we were the first on earth ever to dislike falling asleep with scratchy skin, the only pair to loathe waking with tiny dent-filling bits lodged in the cracks of our asses.

i felt it was a bit like hating taxes. "who here loves to pay taxes? show of hands! looks like.. no one! what do you know-- something in common! i guess we should all just fuck now and get it over with!"

we talked about reading, too. i do it. he doesn't.

anyway, we're going out this weekend. maybe we'll find we have other things in common. like that we both breathe all the time or something.

obama is such a great speaker. my god. and my face is bruised from yesterday. so is my thigh, interestingly enough. i don't remember what that was from.

today

2008-03-18T20:38:39Z

three guys last night told me i'm not a girl. just remember: the majority is not always right. often, the majority is comprised of dickheads.

i just got this flash of a voice in my head saying, "i am a princess! all girls are!" that's from a little princess. i read too much frou frou shit as a small child, and it's completely brainwashed me into having crap like polka-dotted curtains. who's not a girl now, assholes?